Ask Danica De La Mora Relationships

Wading Through Technological Waters

Dear Ms. De La Mora,

I just don’t understand the world today.  It’s like there’s no reality, like everyone is hiding behind a screen and has no mind of their own.  Of all places to meet a man, I was at a fruit stand, picking out a watermelon.  It was pouring rain and I had the umbrella tucked under my chin while carrying this huge melon and trying not to trip over the gravel in my heels on my way to my car.  A cute guy from a car nearby made a nice comment and we ended up talking and then exchanged numbers.  Since then, he’s been texting me but he never asks me out.  He’ll make comments about getting together sometime but he never follows through.  Sometimes we text all day and all night long.  Whenever he wants new pictures, I send them.  Anytime he wants to Skype, I try to be available.  But I never get a date!  Should I confront him about it and ask if he’s serious or not?  Why did he show interest and now he’s just using me as a text buddy?  This is not my first experience with this type of situation.  What is going on? 

Traumatized Texter 


Dear Traumatized,

I understand your plight.  The world is a different place today and technology has made everyone overly accessible while remaining almost completely disconnected.  You are not an isolated case.  The ease of text messaging has led to a surge in options as well as laziness.  In your specific case, it sounds to me as though you have become far too available for him.  You obviously caught his attention, so he was attracted to you, but your actions are determining the outcome of this situation.  If you are available every time he contacts you and have no other things going on in your life, things can become dull and this is not healthy for either of you.  A woman’s expectations and boundaries are what men understand, but they must be presented up front.  This does not mean that you demand to be treated a certain way, but that you will not accept being treated in a way that is not in line with the way you expect to be treated.  Two people can learn more in a thirty-minute text conversation than they can in three weeks of dating.  Technology has pressed fast-forward in the ways that normal life usually slowly and beautifully unfolds.  If you are bearing your soul at all hours, it can make you look desperate, boring, unserious, and without self-respect, but it also removes a significant amount of excitement and suspense that naturally occurs in the process of getting to know someone.  He does not have to take you out on a date because you have demonstrated that you are fine with mere text messaging and, besides, what would you discuss?

In answer to your question, no, I do not believe that you should contact him and I definitely would advise against confronting him on the issue.  It is very important to remember that, while it currently is popular to pursue men, it goes against nature and that never works.  Keep these feelings to yourself and just put more distance in there.  This is not about playing games; this is about developing some healthy self-respect and creating a life for yourself.  Try not to be so available or quick to respond.  If you see that he has made contact, wait until you get home and put the groceries away before you respond.  It is not a big deal, and you should put your life first until a man puts a life with you first.  I also would no longer engage in video chats.  He can see you in person if he wishes to do so.  If you become less available because you genuinely have a life, this will become evident to him and he will pursue you outside of technology if he truly is interested.  This is the way it should be.  If he does not pursue you, then you at least have learned how to better manage your time.


Danica De La Mora

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